Forgiveness and Friendships
Friday, April 15, 2011 - Posted by Intellectual Elegance at 8:36 AM
I thought about her constantly and wondered how she was doing. But I was too proud and too hurt to call her or email her, because I felt like I wasn't ready to talk and that perhaps our friendship was done and over with.
We first met while we were both pledging for our Latina sorority in college. She was from El Paso, with a crazy look in her eye and I liked it. She was one year older than me and we instantly became best friends. We laughed together, cooked together and cried together. Some of my favorite memories in college were with her and Daniela. She had been there for me and I for her through good times and bad. Her family is crazy enough to make my family look normal. We would talk through everything but all that changed around 2008.
In 2007 she was there for the opening of our store and for our engagement. I distinctly remember hearing her scream when Mando dropped down to one knee in front of everybody. For years, I imagined she would be standing by my side at the alter as a bridesmaid. But she didn't because I didn't even invite her.
In 2007, her life started to spiral to a point where I could no longer support her and her antics. She wasn't the person that I loved and I couldn't stop her from the path she was taking. During my first year of lawschool she was homeless and I offered her the extra bedroom in my apartment in Denver. We fought like sisters daily and it reached a level that I didn't know how to handle. When we tried to talk about the issues in her life, she would deny it and lie, and I would become so angry and sad that I just stopped talking to her. At one point, she felt like I was trying ot hurt her, and for me, that became a breaking point. I couldn't understand how someone who I cared for deeply, could possibly think that I was trying to harm them.
She moved out and I removed myself from her life.
One of the last times I saw her in Denver, we were both locked in a bathroom, on New Years Eve, screaming at each other because she was drunk and belligerently screaming at a close friend of mine who had ended his relationship with her. I hated myself for screaming and fighting with her, because I knew that's not who she was and because I didn't like confrontation. She moved to Maryland that spring.
When I was planning my wedding, I remember talking to her and telling her the date ahead of time so that she could come, and deep down inside, I wanted her to be my bridesmaid. But the message she returned said, "Sorry, I'll be out of town for a family reunion." That was the last straw for me, and it was a deep hurt that I hadn't felt before. So, we didn't talk since then.
I pushed it aside, but for years this bothered me because I didn't want to let go of the friendship and I didn't want to let her go. But I didn't know how to reconcile what had happened. I found out she got engaged and was even annoyed when she text me to tell me. I got angry and sad because I knew I wouldn't be invited to the wedding, and I wasn't. I saw her pictures on facebook and was sad. She made a beautiful bride, and I hoped she was happy.
When we moved to NYC she posted on facebook that I was too close not to visit and I got worried because I knew I would have to see her at some point. When I started working in DC, she sent me a text and asked to meet up. I wasn't ready to see her, so I made up excuses of being busy and that I didn't have time. I didn't want to see her over coffee because I knew this was going to be a rough conversation. The last two times I've been in DC, I didn't bother to tell her. I didn't want her to know I was here.
Finally, this week, we decided to meet over dinner. My stomach was in knots as I walked over to the restaurant. What would this encounter be like? What would we say? What if we scream at each other in the restaurant? No. We hugged, we started talking, and before it could get awkward, I told her everything. I told her how I felt, that I was sorry for how things ended, that I felt bad for four years, everything. Within the first 10 minutes, I was able to release everything I had inside and just see if that was the reconciliation we needed. She cried, I cried and we released 4 years worth of tension in our lives. We sat, ate and drank delicious wine for 5 hours! We talked about the old days, our families and the struggles we've both had. It was amazing. I also had the great fortune of meeting her husband last night, and it all made sense. He's lovely and exactly the type of person she needed in her life at that moment and forever. She's a mother to a 6 year old step son, and I can tell she's great at it. She was born to be a mother and I'm so thankful that she found them and that she found herself again.
She's not the person I last saw at all, she's herself again, smart, motivated, healthy and in love. In love with life and her family and God. I love it. Everything fell into place the moment we became honest and forgave each other, we talked as if we hadn't skipped a beat. I loved it.
At the end of the night, we both walked away tipsy from our wine, and we hugged like true sisters again and I felt like my universe was finally back in order. My shoulders felt lighter (it was probably the wine too) but I felt great.
This was a good lesson for me in forgiveness and letting go. The people closest to me know that I hate confrontations, but I realized that I've learned to manage them and that I can articulate my thoughts without feeling like I'm hurting people's feelings. It's therapeutic, almost cleansing to release all that energy out... so try it. :)
Have a safe weekend!
